i wish i were better with words (Calamos NCO Spring Ahead 10K Trail Run)

i ran a few seconds slower per mile at NCO than i did at my last 10k a few weeks ago. yeah, it was on trails, and i trained hard up to the day before race day, but still, i should be getting faster and im not. im a runner: racing is how i measure myself as a person. my current PR is my value as a person. -just like a currency is given a value by how much its worth on the world market at that moment. and just like in economics, its rare (or impossible) to stand still: youre either getting more valuable or less on a daily basis. 'but Anthony, you got fourth and thats a big race. your so fast.' im just tired of this freakin mediocrity! in the end of the day i dont care how many people are slower or faster than me, i care about trying to be better than myself and i cant do that if im not getting faster.
more than two years ago i ran my lifetime PR (personal record) for 5k and shortly after for 10k as well. more than two years ago i ran 35:30 for a 10k, and i was alone the whole race. plus, as usual, i thanked all the volunteers as i ran by and cheered for other runners at the turn-around. i had no idea that id be chasing that feeling for years before id have a chance to feel it again. i ran almost three minutes slower this past weekend than i did three Novembers ago, and im not sure why.
but being the scientist that i am, im thinking about it all the time now. nobody hits there life peak for distance running at 16-17 years old. and i have spent months training like i was before those races without getting the same results in a race.
the only thing i can do is go back to the drawing board for a while and crank out a few (probly 2)thousand miles in the next 6-7 months and see what happens. im gona do one more race, then rest and cross-train for two weeks, then build up some decent miles.
with the move to Colorado, ill have access to tons of dirt trails and that will help me ramp up mileage quicker than i can running exclusively on roads. even taking into account the altitude change (which i shouldnt even feel after the first month) i should be able to average above 60 miles a week for the second half of this year, and with any luck closer to 75.
the physiology-obsessed part of me can see no reason for endless, slow, "junk miles," but i love the feeling of trying to get as many miles in as possible each day. i miss the joy of ending another week above 60 miles and looking at the next week in my log, knowing that the blank pages im looking at will soon hold another week of recorded obsession and a few memories. plus, my workouts are so varied and intense that each one is a new mental challenge as well as physical, and unlike a relationship with a person, the relationship between a runner and their training is best when the focus is on the physical. when you have that perfect run, you can feel a connection with running and you cease to be a person who runs: youre simply a runner.
during the best months of training ive ever had (winter '09-'10) i had a significant High on 80+% of my distance runs. during one of them i became completely "self-aware." i dont know what else to call the moment when i realised that, even though what i was doing was hard, i would eventually stop running and go back to normal activities. ive never had such a sincere feeling of self discovery than i did that day. it was the only time that ive ever realized just how easily i lose track myself when i 'change hats' and move from one activity to the next. within 15 minutes of finishing that run i was in my scout uniform and on my way to my Eagle Project Review.
its just an amazing thing that anyone can get so involved in one thing that they forget that they are a whole person, but thats what makes running what it is to me. i hope some of that makes a bit of sense...